


Realisation

by Mina_Romanov



Category: The Blacklist (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Lizzy is being dramatic, Love/Hate, Post-Season/Series 02, but mostly love, trying to evade conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 17:48:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20878223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mina_Romanov/pseuds/Mina_Romanov
Summary: When Lizzy realises the meaning of the saying "Love and hate are two different sides of the same coin.".Or the one time she tries to do the right thing for herself and panics.





	Realisation

**Author's Note:**

  * For [meetmeatthecoda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/meetmeatthecoda/gifts).

> This is for you, because your works are amazing!
> 
> I wrote this instead of working on my uni paper. To be fair, this was way more fun. 
> 
> Enjoy :)

Liz had always known Red wasn’t a good man in the classical sense. He wasn’t even a good man in the most obscure way. He lied, he manipulated, he caused chaos, he killed, tortured and murdered. And he had endangered her and her loved ones more times than she could count. Red had killed her father, well the man who had adopted and raised her.  
Red had messed up her whole life and if he hadn’t decided to show up and involve her in his dangerous and criminal world, for all she knew, she could still be married to Tom. She could lead a normal life, work as a profiler and maybe even have adopted a sweet little girl by now. She would have been happy. All her wishes and dreams may have come true. 

Oh, how much Liz sometimes wished she would have never met him. Liz couldn’t even put it into words how much she loathed him from time to time. How much her insides constricted and how much she ached with a longing for past times, for what if’s. For things that could no longer be. 

But then again, she wouldn’t have known about Tom being a liar, a cheating husband. A man hired to spy on her, keep her under control. And that hurt even more. The feeling of betrayal from a man who had promised to love her forever, to protect her, to start a family with her. A man she had led a life with. The betrayal of the one person who was supposed to be the one to always protect her, to always tell her the truth.   
And yet he was the man who had only ever lied to her. Who had told her the things he thought she wanted to hear. Did the things he thought she wanted him to do. And he had been good at it. Bloody good. 

He had made her fall for him. He had made her love him. He hade made her trust him more than she trusted anyone. Hell, even more than she trusted herself. 

Because even when she had held the evidence in her hands that he wasn’t the man he had made her believe he was, even when everyone had told her he wasn’t, even when she had found evidence to great to ignore, even then, she still looked for reasons why it couldn’t be. Why he had to be Tom, normal, good and honest Tom. The man she loved, the man she had married and the man she had wanted to have children with. 

Liz just couldn’t believe that he had tricked her, that she had fallen for his lies. That nothing had ever been real.  
And that hurt more than hearing the brutal truth from a man who had caused her so much grief. A man who wasn’t a good man, and yet somehow still managed to be a better one than the man who was supposed to be good. Who was supposed to have been honest. 

Because even though Reddington still managed to withhold truths and evade her questions, he never lied to her. He protected her. He did everything for her and although Liz didn’t think this was making up for all his bad deeds, she still somehow cared for him. Liz had crossed lines for him she could have never seen herself crossing before.   
And now she too was a killer. She had lied, stolen and withheld information for a man who had only brought her pain and who yet still made her laugh. A man who had made her feel beautiful and not as lost and dumb as she did when she first realized who Tom really was. Red had only ever told her the truth and Liz had now gotten to a point where she valued that more than anything. She needed it. Even though she was only inches away from breaking. From reaching a point where she wouldn’t be able to turn around again. A changing point. And that this final change would be for the better, she didn’t believe one second. 

Before it all began, she had been a happy woman. Always having a warm smile for strangers, being kind to others. Maybe she had still been a little naïve, as far as that had been possible in her line of work. But she had been. And now? – Life had taught her to not trust anyone. Especially not the ones who appeared genuine and good. She didn’t trust strangers anymore. And although she still smiled at people on the street, that smile had turned to a polite one instead. The warm ones reserved for the people she trusted with her life. And that list had been shortened in a frightening amount of time.  
Red was one of them even though she still wasn’t entirely sure as to why she trusted him. Why she cared for him and why she couldn’t bring herself to just walk away. Why she always came back to him. Why he seemed to evoke such strong emotions in her. 

Raymond Reddington had saved her more times than she could remember, and he had risked everything to do so. But at the same time she sometimes had only found herself in situations where she needed saving because of him.  
He was the person she felt the strongest emotions for. And it was on one rainy morning she realized what people said was true. Hate and love were just two different sides of the same coin.

Liz couldn’t count the times she had told him to disappear, to leave her alone, that everything was his fault, that she hated him.   
Always for reasons that now seemed small and unimportant. For things he wasn’t even responsible for. She had accused him of destroying her normal, her good life. When in truth it hadn’t been a good one. Liz had been oblivious to her cheating, lying husband and sooner or later his mission would’ve come to an end and what that would’ve meant for her, she could only guess. But it wouldn’t have been a nice breakup and she wouldn’t have had people to protect her, because nobody would’ve known something was wrong.   
But even after finding out, she still had chosen Tom’s side. Liz had still decided to trust him rather than the man who hadn’t lied to her a single time, who had warned her of her own husband. And the worst thing, Tom had managed to make her hate being Liz Keen.

Red. She knew he wasn’t a good man; she knew the way he treated her as if she was the most important thing in the world could all be easily an act and if it wasn’t, then he was probably crazy. Because the obsessive way he acted toward her was definitely not a way in which healthy relationships worked and she didn’t need to be a profiler to see it. 

But Red had always respected her choices.

Had always respected her. 

And she was a fool for having pushed him aside.

She was a fool for only now realising this, with tears streaming down her cheeks. Lying awake in the middle of the night.

Liz had probably known all along, but now that she finally faced the truth, she didn’t know what to do of this realisation. Should she tell him she was sorry? Should she tell him she cared for him and didn’t want him to stay away? 

Liz knew the healthiest decision would be to stay clear of him. To find another man. A good one and try to forget about all this. But then again, Liz had already crossed too many lines and went to deep inside the rabbit hole to come back out. And didn’t she too deserve some happiness after all this?   
Couldn’t she just be egoistic for once? Just once. And just once for the right reasons? 

Without daring to think about it for a second longer she reached for her phone and dialled Nick’s Pizza.   
After three rings Red answered. His voice husky from sleep, Liz probably having woken him up and suddenly she felt unsure, guilty and panicked. 

“Lizzy? Are you okay?”

And of course, the first thing he did was worrying about her. Not being angry about a call at 3:50 in the morning. He was worried and put her first. As usual. And that was what made her loose every part of her protective walls around her mind and she started sobbing. Ugly, loud and messy. 

“Lizzy? What is it? Are you alright do you need…?”

“I’m sorry.”, Liz choked out without waiting for him to finish his sentence. “I’m so sorry Red.”

And as quick as she called him, she ended the connection. Her breathing ragged and shocked at what she had done.   
Her phone started buzzing immediately. 

Nick’s Pizza. 

Liz stared at the screen for a second then pushed the power button and shut it down. 

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.”, she whispered in a mantra, before she stopped. The only sound in the dark flat her sobs and her breathing that bordered on hyperventilating. But she couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t stop shaking.   
Couldn’t stop thinking about how bad she had fucked up.   
Not just about the way she had always treated him, but also about calling him in the middle of the night only to shut him out again. AGAIN. When she had decided to change this.  
A sudden ringing broke her out of her self-loathing thoughts and it took her several seconds to identify the sound for it had been so long since she last heard her landline ringing. She hadn’t given the number to anyone which could only mean one thing. Reddington. 

Without being able to stand it a second longer she stood up and threw a large pullover over her head before she left her flat in a hurry. She just wanted to get away from everything. Liz wasn’t read yet to face the consequences of what she had just done.   
She couldn’t face Reddington still not knowing herself what to do now that she had realized what her strong feelings meant. Liz had only known she needed to apologize even if it wasn’t fair to him either. And here she was again making the wrong choice. Ignoring him and running outside in the middle of the night just to evade a conversation.   
Seconds after leaving her flat she was soaked, and only then did she realize it was pouring. 

“Oh, what am I doing. Elizabeth you’re such an idiot and dumb and you should definitely go back and behave like a grownup and face him.”

But instead of going back she only went further and further down the road talking to herself like a madwoman, her naked feet making little noise on the pavement. 

She only stopped when a car came to a standstill next to her. The lights bright in the dark night. Liz stared at it for a few seconds before turning around and walking in the opposite direction. 

“Elizabeth!”

She heard heavy steps behind her and turned. 

“Dembe?”

“Elizabeth you need to come with me, Raymond is going crazy.”

He took her arm and tried to lead her to his car, eyes wandering worryingly over her soaked figure. 

“No, Dembe, I can’t!”

Liz almost screamed, new tears streaming down her face. She took a step back and removed her arm from his grip. 

“Not after how I acted tonight. Dembe, I can’t”. She was whispering now but the tall man heard her nonetheless.

“You can Elizabeth and you have to go back either ways. Its freezing and you need to get warm again.”

“So, if I ask you nicely you will take me back to my flat and not to Reddington?”

She knew this was her best chance to run from Red once again and if it hadn’t been so dark, she would have seen the conflicted and slightly pleased expression on Dembe’s face as he nodded. With a sigh Liz got into the backseat without another word. The drive home was a silent one, the only sound being the one of raindrops hitting the windshield.   
Liz leaned her head on the window and closed her eyes. Her mind surprisingly quiet and calm, her spiralling thoughts having come to a stop. But it didn’t comfort her one bit, because she knew she was once again doing the wrong thing. Being selfish. And she couldn’t even trick herself in believing otherwise because instead of finally apologizing and showing Red her true feelings, she was once again hurting him, evading him and running. When would that stop?

The second the car stopped Liz got out not bothering to even say goodbye to Dembe even though she knew she should’ve thanked him for finding her and driving her home. But at this point she was too exhausted. Emotionally and physically. She was shivering with cold and an inner turmoil and everything around her was slightly foggy and unclear, in short, just not important at the moment.   
That’s why it didn’t strike her as suspicious that the lights inside her flat were shining bright. Liz simply pulled the dripping hoodie off and let it fall on the ground before she made her way toward the bed not bothering to even think about changing her clothes. But before she reached her bedroom door, she was engulfed in a warm and tight hug. 

“Lizzy.” 

Only one word and she could sense his emotions. Hurt, worry, relief. 

Liz felt her heart breaking and in this second she finally and completely decided she didn’t want to be Liz Keen anymore. She wanted to be Lizzy. She wanted happiness. She wanted a life filled without lies but with truth instead and if the price for that was to give herself to a man who wasn’t a good man, then so be it.   
With a deep breath she straightened her back and sent all her doubts to hell. 

Lizzy carefully wrapped her arms around the broad shoulders of Raymond Reddington, and only then did she notice how tense he was and that his usually pressed white shirt was crumbled, his vest and suit jacket missing completely. This only increased her guilt tenfold, but Lizzy wasn’t going to let it stop her now. With determination she raised her hand and turned his face toward hers so that their eyes were finally meeting and for a long moment they only stared at each other.   
The worry was clearly visible in Red’s eyes as he took in how pale she looked which made her bloodshot eyes even more visible. Just in the moment where he opened his mouth, probably to inquire where she had been, Lizzy put one finger on his lips to stop him. Red immediately froze in place. 

“Red… Raymond please…” 

The older man furrowed his brow. The agent had only on very few occasions ever used his first name. 

“Don’t say anything just yet. I wanted to apologize for calling you in the middle of the night and I wanted to apologize for everything I’ve basically ever done. For not trusting you, for blaming you, for insulting you, for shutting you out and especially for…”

Lizzy broke the eye contact between them and turned her head to the side. 

“And for choosing Tom over you...” She mumbled not sure if he was even able to understand her. 

“Lizzy... I’m not quite sure where you’re going with this, but I’m sure this is just the exhaustion speaking. Maybe you should take a hot shower and go to bed. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

The hurt in his voice was evident and Lizzy could only guess it was because he didn’t even dare to hope anymore, she had screwed up more than she had initially thought over the years and that made anger bubble up insider her. 

“No Raymond! You listen to me! Please stop being so honourable and gentlemanly. This isn’t a situation where you have to go because you don’t want to take advantage of me, because simply put, my mind has never been clearer!”

The younger woman broke their embrace and immediately missed his warmth and the support he gave her. But she needed to get her point across. 

“Okay I don’t really know how I haven’t noticed before and why I was so dumb and blind.”, she raised her hand to stop the man from saying something.   
“No, don’t defend me. I have been dumb and blind and it’s about time I tell you what I really feel.”

Lizzy began to bind her hair up in a desperate manner to win some time to think. 

“Man, this is harder that I thought it’d be… And I’m already surprised you’ve been silent for so long and let me stumble over my words for so long. And I know I’m not making much sense, so thanks for letting me embarrass myself before you by the way.” 

She gave him a crooked smile before her expression turned strained one again. 

“Okay fuck it.”

With two swift steps she had closed the distance between them again and had pulled his head down toward her to press her lips to his in a hurried kiss. The feeling of his mouth on hers caught her off guard and she flinched back, scared of her own courage. 

“Do you get it now? I think I’m in lov...”

Before she could finish the sentence, Red had closed the gap between them again and caught her lips with his own. Lizzy’s heart stopped for a second before it began pounding twice as fast, a blush rising in her cheeks. His arms held her tightly secured around her waist and her hands wandered up around his neck while their lips moved in a sensual kiss which soon turned into something more primal and hungrier when she slightly parted her lips and their tongues touched. 

Lizzy felt herself being pushed backwards till her back hit the wall. She let herself fall completely into the kiss and if Raymond wouldn’t have held herself, she was sure she wouldn’t have had enough strength in her legs left to support her. Because feeling his hot body pressed into hers made her muscles turn into jelly. The feeling of his lips on hers was already enough to drive her insane and when he suddenly broke the contact she unconsciously chased after his lips, after the high he gave her.

But he obviously wasn’t unaffected himself. Red’s breathing had become ragged and his eyes were clouded with something dark, his lust plainly visible. But what shocked Elizabeth most was what outshone even the desire in his gaze. It was a look of the utmost admiration, devotion and forgiveness and it made Lizzy almost sob in relief. 

“Lizzy. I don’t deserve you, because no matter what you say now, I won’t be able to ever let you go again.” He whispered and she could feel his breath on her neck as he lowered his head to trail kisses down her neck. 

“Good, because I don’t want you to.” She moaned and pulled him into a searing kiss.

Raymond Reddington ignited a fire within her that almost scared her. She would do anything to keep him by her side and now it was her, who would watch the whole world burn to see him safe. Who would damn all consequences to stay by his side. And she knew this wasn’t healthy, but it was what she wanted, and she too would not be able to let him go after this. He was hers now, as much as Lizzy was his.


End file.
